Six Years

She was not quite six years old when she left me
Six years ago today, exactly

It happened some time this year
the switch, the exact moment
I started having more time
Without her than with

I could have done the calculation
even now, I could figure it out
to the minute, probably
But I didn’t and I don’t

When my loss was fresh, I counted
How many hours, days months
since her last haircut or Christmas or hospital stay?
I kept a record of something that happened
To someone who matters
a merge of past and present tense
No future
All I could do then was hold on

I count still, but less
I hurt still, but differently
Less fire and turbulence
More longing for something that only gets further away

The sacred space (because she was there)
The sacred time (because we knew it was finite)

11 thoughts on “Six Years

  1. Precious Julianna 🙏 thinking about you all day today and shedding some tears, but also feeling grateful for letting me and many other people get to know you through your Mum 💕

    This year, surprisingly, I get to read about many kids with CMT in my country. Today I stumbled upon two girls with CMT and donated to their treatment in memory of Julianna 💛

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  2. Oh my heart hurts for you. I can not believe it has been 6 yrs. Precious Julianna. She made her mark on this world. She’s not forgotten. Thank you for posting an update. Prayers and hugs to your entire family.

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  3. Count the following as well- The number of days that you press on with grace and style even after having been through such a traumatic experience. The number of times that you honor J by thinking/saying/doing something that she would approve of. The number of times that you honor J by remembering her, because she even asked for that one specifically. The number of opportunities you have every single day to deny darkness/strife a place to exist in your mind and instead you assert wholesomeness and light just as J would want you to. The number of times that you make the world a better place by the incredible work you have always done.

    Counting. The list is infinite. Take a single point in time, there is an infinite way of counting that point. As far as the human mind can tell, we are born alone, go through life alone, then die alone. We all have different experiences along the way, different connections. By “alone” I mean that there is only one mind – one’s own mind- to experience being alive. A profound loss is one of the most difficult things to experience in life.

    Infinite ways to count any point in time and only one mind (one’s own) to experience anything.

    You and your fam were placed in an impossible situation where you had to make impossible choices. Each point in time could have been handled in infinite ways. – and when each moment passed it is impossible to experience that moment again. You and your fam… all of you, each and every one of you, are very special people who handled an impossible situation with grace and style. You should be proud- you should be very proud of who and what you are.

    Do not let the moments that you have left today experience excessive sadness. There is certainly no real right or wrong in how you experience each moment, but obviously a wholesome positive, magical moment where joy has a place to live is what J’s old soul would hope that you experience mostly. 🙂

    There is zero doubt, Michelle. You are an amazing person, a true representation of what the very best of the best minds can aspire to be. You were put to the hardest tests imaginable, and you are still here to fight for moments of joy and clarity. I know one thing- J would be / is so proud of you. You were put to the hardest tests, and you are still here. That says it all. Stay Strong! 🙂

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  4. I came across the cake & tea pic I took to celebrate Julianna the other day, so just want you to know your little girl 💞🌸 is not forgotten.

    Don’t be too harsh on yourself, Julianna would want her precious mummy to be happy and remember the times you had together whilst still be able to continue your life without guilt. You do everything you could for Julianna so it is good that you are more at peace , whilst she is living on in your heart 🌸👧🏻💞 You will always be her amazing & much loved mama 🌸💞 xx

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  5. Thank you Michelle for letting us see another beautiful image of Julianna. I often think of her, you both taught me to enjoy every single moment with my grandkids, especially the firstborn, without the burden of thinking what is awaiting him around the corner. I am forever grateful.

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  6. Read your mindful and heartfelt words a few times today, Michelle. Yes, time without J can be counted/measured/perceived as being longer than time with J now. Let me tell you something tho. The MANY times that you were amazing to J- the many times that you continue to be amazing- nothing can take that away. Nothing. You know what? Everyone- and I mean everyone- knows that you are among the most intelligent persons on the planet, Michelle. You handle any job or strife or task with uncanny fortitude, grace and style. You are clearly and profoundly “no slouch”, as they say. You are consistently amazing to be sure. So remember this- Nothing can take away any of the good that you did, Michelle. Nothing. So count that, too. Stay Strong.
    ///
    P.S- joseon . com (not my site) has some unusual answers to questions that may not have been asked yet. Moreover, the general study of the 5 Centuries of the Joseon Kingdom ( Joseon_Dynasty ) is a great place to learn new things- but more importantly, I honestly think you could find comfort in studying things from that 5 Century span of time. That is why it is mentioned.

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  7. your unconditional love for your precious baby keeps me connected to you. you are such a kind, sensitive and an adorable personality. There are not many in this world like you. I will keep you and julianna in my prayers.

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